Worst of 2013

In a year full of Wet Noodles [my new way of ranking films now being, in order from greatest to least, Great, Enjoyable, Wet Noodle, Terrible], a few films in particular stood out as being especially terrible or otherwise disappointing. Hopefully I'll be coming up with a best-of list for 2013 here soon but there are still a few films I need to see before I can fairly assess the year in full (I'm looking at you, The Wolf of Wall Street). It may not even be a top ten list, because this year I saw (yet again) even fewer movies than usual in theatres, so some of the big hits of the year (Gravity) will inevitably not be on it.
However, in the meantime, I figured I'd go ahead and break down some of the "worst" films of the year, as a bit of fun and a nice change of pace. So, without further ado,

[in no particular order]
1. Gangster Squad
The screenplay for this film was actually blacklisted a few years back, but its fate was sealed when Ruben Fleischer was attached to direct. Fleischer splashed onto the scene with Zombieland, a decent piece of work that was put together well, had a solid cast, was entertaining, and mildly clever. However, this was more due to the screenwriter (Rhett Reese) than the man in the director's chair. Fleischer followed that up with 30 Minutes or Less (also blacklisted!), which was a bit of a slip-up but still managed to be fast-paced, entertaining, and funny enough. But now he's shown his true colors. Gangster Squad is an insipid fucking film, a prime example of what's wrong with Hollywood today. It had tons of potential. Let's look at the list of promised flavors real quick: great cast, period piece, hard-R violence, gangsters, style. So what happened? It got watered down and turned into plastic by the powers that be. It's the cinema equivalent of seeing an ad on eBay for an "ORIGINAL MONA LISA!!!" so you order it, but when it arrives in the mail it turns out to be a Polaroid. In an attempt to appeal to the largest crowd possible and rake in the $, every aspect of the film was filtered and soulsucked to the point that it plays more like a parody of what it's trying to be. Avoid at all costs.

2. Broken City
This actually got a few decent reviews, including one by my current-favorite pop culture critic extraordinaire Bob Chipman (Google him), but even the best of us are wrong from time to time. Broken City wasted its on-board talent of Wahlberg and Crowe and was a complete bore-fest. I saw this movie in the theatre and had a difficult time staying awake. What wants to be a hard-boiled crime yarn is actually a very predictable procedural with absolutely no interesting developments, attempts to inject something new, or real psychological drama. Yawning all the way through, both actors phone in their performances, going through the motions like they're barely even there. We're expected to feel something for these characters but instead all the real moments a film like this needs to be interesting are replaced by broad plot-point brushstrokes that only serve to carry us to the conclusion. Completely drained of any tension it could have had, you'd be better off completing a paint-by-numbers book.

3. Only God Forgives
I don't even know how to properly explain what went wrong here. Nicolas Winding Refn all caught our attention back in 2011 with the Ryan Gosling vehicle (no pun intended) Drive, a perfect example of art-house action done right. So the spiritual follow-up, Only God Forgives, came with a pretty big set of expectations. Unfortunately, it turns out Drive was a fluke and Winding Refn can't make serious films. Everything on display here is mere window dressing to make us think it's artistic, deep and thoughtful when in reality it's just a really beautifully shot film where absolutely nothing happens. There's little plot to speak of, I can't remember a single line spoken (except, perhaps, for "time to meet the devil"...but to be fair, that was the tagline), and the much-hyped ultraviolence is practically non-existent. Only plan on viewing if you're a super masochist.

4. The Heat
This one was a populist favorite, and it's really no surprise. And although I consider myself a populist at least 90% of the time, The Heat fucking sucked. Let me be upfront here: I'm sure Melissa McCarthy is a good actress. She had her moments in Bridesmaids, and even her other big stinker this year, Identity Thief, had a few good laughs, but that was more due to Jason Bateman's presence. But she has worn out her welcome already. Typecast faster than you can blink, McCarthy has become a one trick pony that Hollywood is more than willing to trot out on a leash and dance for your amusement, sucking up your hard earned dollars in the process. The biggest problem with The Heat (of which there are many, but I am not going to attempt to cover them all) is that it's simply one joke repeated ad nauseam for an insufferable 117 minutes: McCarthy says curse words. The entire engine of humor here is being fueled by that one gag, over and over in the most uninteresting ways possible. She simply strings together fucks shits cocks and balls and everyone doubles over laughing because --she's fat and those are naughty words!--. If you really stop and think about it for a second, you might realize what a stupid person you are for falling for it.

5. Man of Steel
My, how the mighty hath fallen. To comprehensively cover why this film is a steaming pile of shit would take up an essay in and of itself, so here's the Cliff's Notes. DC Comics has been struggling like hell to get their own cinematic universe up off the ground as soon as they realized just how far Marvel was knocking things out of the park, especially after The Avengers. So, in what I can only imagine was a fit of desperation, they gathered together all the talent they thought necessary to produce a real gem and breathe new life into their flagship IP: Superman. All they needed was Zack Snyder (big marketable name) to direct, Christopher Nolan (running out of Syncopy productions) to produce, and David S. Goyer (superhero writer savant) to pen the screenplay. Unfortunately, like a chemistry experiment gone awry, it blew up in their faces. I can't speak with any authority as to what exactly went wrong, since I'm not an industry insider, but I can say with absolute authority that David S. Goyer is a shitty fucking writer and hiring him was a big mistake. So that was the first misstep. Chris Nolan's presence was probably exercised in an attempt to add a certain amount of depth and psychological realism to the character (whereas before all his other appearances on-screen were draped in unabashed Silver Age comic book style), but Clark Kent is not Bruce Wayne, and the tone of the film got all muddled and lost in droopy melodrama...not to mention the washed out color palette (that was TOTALLY Nolan). The saving grace here should have been Snyder, who has proven he can direct slick, modern action with a deft hand (see: 300, Watchmen, and certain scenes from Sucker Punch). But holy shit did the action in this movie fall flat. Shaky cam abound and an overlong sequence of destruction-porn that would make even Michael Bay blush, awash in dust and debris and indistinct superpunches, the fights in this film were all lacking soul, to the point that when Kal-El snaps Zod's neck, we don't even care or flinch. Oh, and the plot was needlessly complicated and had a retarded MacGuffin. I highly suggest you all check your expectations for the upcoming Batman/Superman sequel at the door way in advance.