My Dearest Apollo

Wake up. What am I doing today? I don't remember.
Take your medicine. Brush your teeth. No, take your medicine first. You'll forget.
But what if my medicine is actually making it worse. Maybe I shouldn't take it today.
There's no way to know for sure. Better to be safe than sorry.
Maybe I really am addicted after all?
Not possible. That's the crazy talk.
But I'm talking to you too. And you say a lot of things. How does that work?
Hush.
Okay. Now what?
You need to work.
I can't.
You can, you choose not to.
That's even more frightening than not being able to. I would rather know that I am physically incapable of doing something rather than constantly choosing not to do anything.
You're really more afraid of yourself than you are of me?
Shitless.
Well I guess that makes sense. After all, it wasn't me that went out on that bender. It wasn't me that put that mark there. You know, the one everyone keeps asking about. At family gatherings. At friend's houses. In living rooms. In bars.
I don't remember who that is.
Yes you do. It's the real you. You think this is real? This is made up. You manufactured this. I'm here to make you confront your deepest fears.
But I can't face it. I won't. It's all made up anyway. That's all in my head. That's the alternate reality, convincing me of lies. And that's all you are: a liar.
You say this now, yet you allow the lies to become your reality. You know that the more we sit here and talk, the more you're going to realize that you're one-hundred percent completely fucked. And you should give up while you're still ahead.
Enough!
You're not even ahead as it is. You're so far behind it's stupid. You aren't in last: the race already ended and you're still crawling towards the finish line. No one's in the stands. No one's watching. They went home. So you can quit now. They don't care.
Well...
Exactly. Look at this: they all tell you it's okay, you're okay, everything's okay. How can it be okay? You've seen enough movies, read enough books to know exactly how these stories go. There's no possible way this is okay. Are you forgetting the part where
Stop!
Or the part with the crying and screaming. And all the things you shouldn't have said out loud.
That was you!
No, it was you.
No, it was you. It was always you. It was you to begin with. It was always okay, and it still is. The only reason I made things less okay is because you made me think it wasn't okay, so I said fuck it, let's make it as not-okay as it can get. But I didn't have to do that. I could have stopped it...
Right.
Wait...
Yes. Your fault.
No, that's not what I meant. It's yours. I didn't mean to.
You just said you did. You intentionally made it worse. You knew exactly what you were doing.
But that's because I thought I knew exactly what was wrong.
Which is everything.
Which is nothing!
Look: where are your friends now? They're afraid of you. They know what you're capable of now.
I'm capable of good.
But you only do bad.
No, you only do bad. You only cause me harm. Why can't I just get rid of you! Why do you fucking do this to me every day of my life!
Well, look at who's all upset now. And you've only been awake for an hour. Guess what.
Now what?
It'll be this way tomorrow too. And the day after. And the week after that. And next month. And the following year.
Oh Jesus...
So end it now! I mean, look at this mess!
There is no mess. There is no mess. There is no mess. Everything's fine. I swear to God everything's fine. I swear to
Oh dear Lord, this is hilarious! Look at you! You might as well be clutching your knees and rocking back and forth. You are a pathetic cliche.
Please don't let me cry, please don't let them see me cry, this is going to pass this is going to pass this is
This is your reality. Open your eyes. Everything you see right now: it's all real. You can see everyone's thoughts. You're a smart guy, put it together. They all know you're pathetic, because they see what I see right now: a baby! A whimpering child! And it disgusts them. They pity you.
I'm fine I'm okay I'm just fine everything's fine
So here's the deal. You're smart. Oh no, I'll give you that. Otherwise I probably couldn't have sprung up in the first place. So you know a thing or two. They're on to you, but you can still trick them. Trick them one final time. Smile, say hello, give hugs. Make promises. Sound cheerful. Make a joke, laugh along. Let them think I'm not here, and then when they turn their back, let it out. Let every black part out, bleed it out on the floor, let everyone see it, and show them what they were missing all along. And you can die laughing.
What will that accomplish?
Well, it'll silence me once and for all. That's what you want, isn't it? Plus it will prove them wrong. They all underestimate you. They don't take you seriously. They've never felt like you, they've never bled like you, you've known this all along. You were special. You were exceptional. You were genius! So show them. Make them all know. It's only fair, after all this torture. They can never give you what you need. They're only hurting you, while you hurt yourself, and hurt them, and hurt me as I hurt you as the whole big cycle of hurt perpetuates itself and never stops and you can't stop it because you don't even know where it begins or ends.
No. That's not what I want.
Okay, so then don't let them see it. Spare them the final act. They deserve that, anyway. I won't even deny that. I mean, you don't want your grand finale to leave them as fucked up as you, do you?
This isn't me! You are not me! I am me!
Or...could it be that the evil twin is the original to begin with? That I am in fact superior in every way? You know, that whole ego/superego thing. You studied philosophy. You know how this works.
No, you're made up.
Hmm?
It's all in my head. It's all in my head.
Keep telling yourself that.
I can just stop thinking about this right now and go back to...
Back to...?
What? Nothing.
What is it you were doing?
I guess I forgot...
You're getting nothing done today, are you?

"Hey man, what's wrong?"
"Huh? Sorry. What?"
"Look, you can't hide it. Something's upsetting you. Just tell me what's wrong."
"...I don't know man."